RSVPhillippi | MAY 2012
GORDON GEKKO WOULD BE PROUD
By Dennis Phillippi
During one of the huge jackpot lottery frenzies, some friends and I were talking at the local watering hole about what we would do with all that money. One thing I learned quickly is that most of my friends are just as nakedly greedy and selfish as I am, which was a relief. Eventually, we wound our way to what would happen if someone we knew won the big bonanza. It was universally agreed that if we knew the winner, he or she would be required by decency to give us a sizeable chunk of change. This, despite the fact that minutes before we had all made it clear we had no intention of being so generous if one of us was the lucky winner. What can I say? We’re a shallow lot.
Even if said newly-minted gazillionaire weren’t to give us a big check, we all agreed that he or she should at least underwrite one item from our bucket list. If you’re unfamiliar with the term, a bucket list is a compilation of things you want to accomplish before you kick said bucket. Now, again, these are my friends we’re talking about, so the conversation quickly degenerated into the hazards of naked skydiving, a popular topic. It degenerated to that because we’re degenerates.
Nonetheless, throughout the next few days, the running topic went something like this: If someone with the wherewithal to do so offered to foot the bill for one of your life dreams, what would it be? A surprising number of us said we would like to go into space, which is a ridiculously ambitious undertaking for a bunch of people who won’t even muster the energy to scare up a remote so we don’t have to watch an episode of “Pawn Stars.”
Just out of curiosity, and laziness, I asked the question of people on Facebook. The responses were surprising, mainly because it made me wonder how some of these people became my friends on Facebook. One guy wants to hike the Appalachian Trail. Another wanted to fund an animal rescue center. Someone else wanted to go to medical school. How did ambitious, driven, caring people like this become my friends?
Most people, the majority by far, wanted to travel. Australia, with its insane number of poisonous animals was big. I’ll pass. They have poisonous mammals in Australia. That’s evolution gone all hinky. Someone else wanted to go to Disney Tokyo. Seriously? When we have perfectly serviceable Disneys right here in the States where almost all of the employees speak English? One that came without explanation said his required the following: “a mime, a midget, an adult film actress dressed as a flapper, a Tommy gun filled with blanks, a bear on a unicycle and a lion tamer. Oh, and an old 1920s style video camera.” Again, I wonder how did this person become my friend again? I have no idea what he had in mind, but I’m not sure I want to spend time alone with him.
One person wanted to go to the Olympics, which seemed like a perfectly reasonable request, but it was followed by “Oh, and walk on the moon.” I grant that I said “with the wherewithal,” but the federal government hasn’t been able to get us back to the moon in four decades or so, so I don’t think a lottery winner can cover that one. Plus, I know her, and she has no business walking on the moon. She’s clumsy.
Skydiving was a frequent choice, and unlike my drinking buddies, not one of them wanted to do so naked. One did, on the other hand, want to skydive while playing his saxophone. It’s an interesting idea, but it seems like plummeting to the Earth at terminal velocity would be distraction enough without trying to remember the chorus to a Billy Joel song.
One thing I loved was that exactly one person detailed how they would like to help his family. Just so you don’t think any of my friends are actually altruistic, this person wanted to “help out” his family by taking them to Disneyworld. That’s beautiful. Sure, someone could’ve said that he wanted to pay off everyone’s houses or start a college fund for all his nieces and nephews, but no, the one person who wanted to include his family at all wanted to take them to Orlando to ride Space Mountain. I’m starting to think this isn’t about the people who choose to be my friends so much as it is about those with whom I choose to be friends.
It was nice to see that the dissolute gang of miscreants I consider my extended family do have dreams. Considering we spend most of our time arguing about sports and talking endlessly about food, inside they secretly want to go into space or visit Machu Picchu. These same folks who have perfected inertia as a way of life would, given the chance, walk on the Great Wall or at least eat at a restaurant named the Great Wall.
My wife and I talk about winning the lottery all the time, and we always spend most of that time parsing out amounts to various friends and relatives. That is, before we start shopping for real estate in Manhattan. Now, when this bucket list topic came up, we were just like everyone else, stone cold selfish. We want to have a villa in Tuscany just like everyone else. I want to ride shotgun with Richard Branson into near zero gravity, mainly so I can do somersaults in midair and eat freeze-dried ice cream without having to go to a mall. I’d like to believe I could make myself step out of an airplane. She wants to get massages every day while drinking frozen rum drinks. Okay, that one was mine, too.
My point is that if you win the lottery and we’re even passing acquaintances, my hand will be out with all the rest. Take us all to Disney. Your family can go some other time.
Dennis, want to chip in and buy a group lottery ticket? Before you can even answer, just know that a “maybe” won’t cut it. Also remember that Gordon Gekko did put in some jail time…just sayin’!